My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
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Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
B
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”