Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
You Might Also Like
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Hey buddy, if you didn鈥檛 want me napping in your pet store you shouldn鈥檛 have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……馃槀馃槀
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we鈥檙e just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Elephant: wow I鈥檓 huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Me: I鈥檒l take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can鈥檛 lose it and then I never find it again
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha