Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
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My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”