@shkeeber: My bank has informed me that Twitter followers can not be used as collateral for a car loan. You guys are useless.
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@IamEnidColeslaw: when I kiss a guy who has a mustache I'll close my eyes and pretend he's either Mario or Luigi, depending on his height
@kcmoore51: Me: What are your plans for tonight? 13: Think I'll hang out with you and mom. Me: Goddammit...uh I mean that's great.
@david8hughes: Everybody mad at me like it's common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn't go to funeral college.
@Rollinintheseat: Please, person who just said "libary", tell me more about what an avid reader you are.