The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
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*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.