@heatherlou_: My bank statement is just a record of everything I've eaten for the last month.
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@david8hughes: Her: I like your hair. Did you get it cut? Me: I washed it Her: but it looks really different Me: yeah I used water this time
@bobbiejo448: I love how all the characters in kids shows are always SO thrilled while at work. Like Bob never gets pissed over a missing screwdriver.
@BoutCrazed: Hey Febreze, I don't go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
@IamEnidColeslaw: That awkward moment when I tried starting a slow clap in the hospital after my uncle died.