@heatherlou_: My bank statement is just a record of everything I've eaten for the last month.
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@blondecalamity: My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
@mayamanion: In my son's class they were talking about allergies, my son said "My mom says she's allergic to most other moms" Super
@HorryPuttor: "Your password is weak" You're the weak one And you'll never know love Or friendship And I feel sorry for you
@realHamOnWry: I lay on the grass looking up at the clouds. 'That woolly one looks like a fist' I say, as Jack punches me again.