@heatherlou_: My bank statement is just a record of everything I've eaten for the last month.
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@NakedHangover: Yelling "shotgun" when getting in a car means a seat in the front. Yelling it before getting on a plane means a seat in the TSA office.
@checkyourfox: I'm sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
@tararose711: My 3yo's bedtime stories include: "Three-Hour Run-On Sentence," followed by, "Ask For a Drink 500 Times," and finally, "You Skipped a Page."