My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
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“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Worth remembering.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
12653.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.