@mjkspeaks: My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
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@TheRolo: *Stands in wood & sets self on fire* "OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I want to look hot on tinder.
@ohwrigley: Mommy? Does Barbie come with Ken? No dear, she comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.
@GoldenSpirals: He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere. I sat back and watched it all unfold.
@cervixsmash: Mobile tweeting with 3% battery is a lot like the band playing while the titanic sank