My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
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Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”