My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
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Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Expect the unexporcupine.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked