Wednesday
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Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield