My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
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Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
The two types of wives
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.