My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
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Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Cake!!
i love meeting boys on tinder