My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
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My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
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