My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
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My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
“We will wed,” I threatened
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Me :
All Day At Night
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake