@KKenuz: my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
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@doktorj: *brings whipped cream to bed* Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new? Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
@ericsshadow: [at a bar] "I'm meeting my friend Dan" big Dan or Dan who's never has money? [door swings open] HEY WHO WANTS TO BUY THEIR BUDDY DAN A DRINK
@TheGladStork: Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.