my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
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I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*