My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
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It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Oh we’ve met.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap