@ObscureGent: My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@RubyBottoms: The ex says he's come into some money and can finally "take care" of me. Wait...he's gonna have me killed isn't he?
@TheOneTrueDisco: Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
@baconacid: "weed is a gateway drug" "to what? the fridge? Hahaha" *loses car, house, wife, and job because of fridge addiction*
@PaperWash: doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn't good ... Me: give it to me straight doc what is it doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password