My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
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therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
me, after any kind of buffet.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Extremely relatable.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd