ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
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*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
nothing saves money like being antisocial
o shit
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.