My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
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Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated