@lovemydogduck: My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
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@GingerGander: Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
@causticbob: My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening.
@internetluke: [on date] Here, let me help you with your jacket! *i gently remove her jacket* This is mine now. Cya
@LeBearGirdle: *Good Will Hunting* Professor: are you the janitor who's been solving the math equations? me: [writing '80085' on every chalkboard] yes?