My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
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I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids