My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
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My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere