My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
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My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14