My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒