My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
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Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
O Wise One….
Blew out my flip flop…
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Yes
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.