What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
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Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.