@Faceyspace: My Bestie just got banned from Taco Bell. I cannot wait to hear this story. I have given table dances at Taco Bell and not got kicked out.
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@buttgh0st: frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
@briangaar: I blow-dried my hair, now it looks like the mane of a majestic lion who is really good at video games
@9to5Life: "911, what's your emergency?" "My kids are being jerks." "Hey, Christian, you can't keep calling here." "Are you gonna send help?" "..."
@david8hughes: Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There's room for 2 more members Son: but there's 3 of us Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?