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I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
I didn’t realize that was an option