My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
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Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*