After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
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When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.