“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
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Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
This is I, Robot all over again
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’