I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
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Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.