5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
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INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!