My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
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Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Doug is just Canadian for dog
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB