My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
You Might Also Like
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
They did not miss in the small print
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.