My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
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what do you want!!!!!!!!
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
What an awful time to have common sense.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig