I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
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Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits