My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
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He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Super Hand Dog Face
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?