My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
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I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.