Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
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Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
all that yoga finally paid off
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.