My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
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[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking