My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
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When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
🌱🌱🌱
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha