My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
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Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Why am I like this?
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Made something I’m not proud of
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
He a real one for that
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning