My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
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The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
The news is so predictable nowadays
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.