my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
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Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it