My biological clock is wheezing.
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Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.