My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
You Might Also Like
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.