@ramenfuneral: my birthday is a month from today and all i want is this
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@BoogTweets: Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
@SamSykesSwears: "If Bernie doesn't get the nom, I'm voting Trump." "Also, if McDonald's is out of chicken nuggets, I'm going to eat 20 scorpions."
@Brampersandon_: [infomercial] ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?! AUDIENCE: YES! *a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*