My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
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Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
The honesty is refreshing
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]