My birthstone is a marshmallow.
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detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
[eats all your cotton candy]
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.