My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
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[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy