My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
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Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs