*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
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I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.