A baby bear catches snowflakes.
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Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
I am patiently waiting for your email
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
No, he would not have.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.